The Truth about the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus!

Hi Ho Ranters!

Easter Bunny and Santa Claus spoiler alert!!! DO NOT READ ON IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH!

Today, I’m going to tell you a story that, well, I’m not too proud of. My son is going into middle school (no! That is NOT what I’m not too proud of), and my wife wanted to make sure that we utterly crushed his belief in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. They had a long car ride and she said she would break the news then (keeping my unique, yet blunt talents of breaking news out of the picture).

I get home from a long day at work. We are sitting down to eat dinner and I find out that she has not had the “talk” with our son. And she starts to broche the subject at the table. She tries (quite eloquently) to tie the religious aspect of the Easter Bunny and Saint Nick to manifest through us. But, as I saw, this approach was not working. I took control of the conversation and said…

Son, what your mother is trying to tell you, is that the Easter Bunny – pregnant pause -- was killed in 1946 by Farmer McGreggor’s car. What we now know as the Easter Bunny is actually a malicious spirit that poops candied eggs in everyone’s yard every Easter when his spirit materializes in our world for one day. To try to hide this fact, your mother and I give you presents and say it is from the Easter Bunny.

Well, I’ll tell you Ranters, in my opinion, he took the news quite well. Then, I took on the next subject. Yes, the big guy himself! …And, yes, I will probably go to Hell for this. So, going off my past success, I told him…

Son, now let’s discuss Santa Claus. I said, Santa was a great man that gave toys to children all around the world! One Christmas in 1961, Santa went down the wrong chimney. He found himself confronted by a group of Hippie War Protesters, high on LSD. Santa did his best to defend himself, but alas, he was out numbered. That was the last we saw of Santa Claus and the last Christmas Santa personally delivered toys to children. In this void and to take up Santa’s original charge, parents, around the world, started pretending that they were Santa Claus. They dressed like him; Put imitators in department stores; And formed the Secret Santa Alliance. All participating parents had to sign legal documents around how to perpetuate Santa’s memory throughout the ages. This, of course, was the Santa Clause. Well, we had to swear a vow of silence as you now have too so the memory of Santa Claus will still live in others (even though, we just killed it in you!).

I looked to my son. Big crocodile tears traversing his face, I realized, maybe I wasn’t so successful with that story!

Let me tell you Ranters, I didn’t even bring up the subject of how the tooth fairy was actually an alliance of dental hygienists who misappropriated funds from the dentist that they worked for. In their shame, they gave portions of that money to the children who lost teeth.

AM I SUCH A BAD PERSON AND FATHER? SHOULD I BE TAKEN TO TASK FOR MY “CRIMES”? What do you think Ranters?

Till Next Time Ranters!

Stop the world -- I want to get off!

OMG! My day started bad and went downhill from there! I woke up with a back ache, did not have a good workout, get into work and find out that my plans have to be reworked because China decided Saturday October 9th is a work day. I'm vilified in a meeting for problems created and controlled by another group. A perfect storm is being formed for this weekend by people who think proactive is something they sell on infomercials to clear up pimples!

I look forward to Friday the 13th!! Heck, I don't think I'm going to make it through Thursday the 12th!

I would take this last-gulp-of-air after coming up for the third time, but I think it will all be Carbon Dioxide from all the hot-air going on!

I think the greatest export of the UK is politics, hot-air, and a flair for the dramatics! They are also good at pushing-buttons, taking pot-shots at people who are not present to defend themselves, and placing the blame on everyone except for who should take it!

I HATE England! Your best export was Dr. Who! ...and you don't even export that until after it has been on the air for 6 months!

Wow! I'm glad to get that off my chest!

Oh well, back to the war!

Till next time Ranters (if there IS a next time!!!)!

FREE Organically Grown Vegetables!

Recently, I was in our break-room at my workplace. I saw an empty basket with the sign, "FREE Organically Grown Vegetables" I thought to myself - As opposed to what? Genetically enhanced vegetables?

When I got a free moment, I went onto dictionary.com to find out exactly what is meant by organic. It gave the following definition:

of, relating to, derived from, or characteristic of living plants and animals

So, this still perplexes me! How do organically grown vegetables differ from non-organically grown vegetables, and -more importantly- why did the author of the sign believe they had to differentiate their vegetables as organic. Were the vegetables still living?

I guess if I worked at a genetics research company, it would make more sense to distinguish between genetically altered versus not. But, I don't work at a genetics plant. I work for a large financial institutions. I don't even know anyone who grows nor had grown non-organic vegetables. What would such a vegetable look like?


Well, this will just have to stay as another perplexing mystery!

Till next time Ranters!

Life's a beach!

Hi ho Ranters,

Pelican Joe and family has visited one of the Carolina's many beaches. I won't mention where we stayed. My wife did not want me to speak ill of them (I think she feels sorry for them).

The place we stayed at had the feel of a well-used hunting lodge, where a place to stay was secondary to the location. Well, in true Pelican Rant fashion, here are the good and bad of our mini-vacation.

The good:

1. Right on the beach
2. Neighbors were fairly quiet and sociable
   
3. Dog friendly
4. The on-sight managers were very responsive
   
5. Not only on the beach, but had a pool and a balcony overlooking both the pool and the beach
6. Close to the local boardwalk and carnival
7. The dog traveled well and was well-behaved
8. The ocean waves were 3-5 feet and fun on a boogie board
   

The bad:

1. Room was dirty, smelly, moldy and all of the other ee's that you can think of.
   
2. Landlord stated that the apartment had a small two burner stove (turned out to be a two burner hot-plate).
3. One sink did not have cold water
4. On the website, it said it had free WIFI. Well, it was one DSL wireless router in the manager's office. The connection was spotty at best and I think the internet pipe was very small (say around 768kps).
5. Parking was off-site.
6. Air-conditioners were old window units (very noisy)
   
7. Had cockroaches and wasps in our unit (dead ones now)!
8. Battery was missing from the smoke detector
9. EVERYONE staying there chained smoked!
10. The lodging was pet friendly, the beach was not.
    

Lesson learned:

Next vacation, the dog goes to a kennel, and we stay at a much nicer place! This way, everyone has a more pleasant respite.

All in all, it was a fun vacation! We ate at some unusual restaurants and consumed local cuisine.





Pelican Joe Quote:

Ocean Beaches would be more fun if they removed the sand, removed the salt, and removed the dangerous sea creatures! Wait, BP is doing that last thing!

Till next time Ranters!

Himalayan Salt Lamps -- They read your mind *(and do your laundry**!)

About 3 months ago, my son was having a hard time sleeping and I was getting a little concerned. While listening to the podcast "Mysterious Universe" the host mentioned that they have been using the Himalayan Salt Lamps and it helped with moods, reduced pollution, helped with sleep and the list went on. They also spoke of credible evidence around the lamp as a negative Ion generator. So, I bought one from Walmart.com.



As with most of my brilliant ideas to help my kids, they did not want anything to do with this lamp! My daughter called it evil and my son did not want it on in his room. So it disappeared for a few weeks.

A couple of days ago, while my wife was redecorating, it was rediscovered and now it is in our room. When the lamp is on, you can feel the hair on your arm tingle. Leaving it on over night, makes it very hard to get up in the morning. I've even noticed that I am remembering my dreams (which did not happen before). This lamp makes my wife sleepy as well and she has mentioned that it is hard to wake up in the morning.

I will update this post from time to time to let everyone know how it is using the lamp over time. Don't want to grow a third arm and not rant it to the world!

So, for now,

Till next time ranters!



* To get the lamp to read your mind, look into it for 30 seconds, then the thoughts you will have is the thoughts the lamp believes you are thinking! 100% accurate with 0% margin of error!

** To get the lamp to do your laundry, first put your laundry in the washing machine, put in the detergent, and press the start key. The lamp interacts with the washer so that your clothes will get just as clean as if you did it yourself! Amazing!

In a teen-age mind

Have you ever went shopping with your teen-aged daughter? Well, Pelican Joe had the pleasure of taking his daughter to buy a back-pack this past weekend. Let me share some of the conversation:

Pelican Joe - So, what style of backpack are you looking for?

Daughter - Something that can hold all my books.

Pelican Joe - You wanted to get the LL Bean backpack. What size is that backpack?

Daughter - I don't know.

Pelican Joe - How do you know that all your books would fit into that one?

Daughter - It's an LL Bean backpack!

Pelican Joe - Okay, let's look at the sizes of backpack we have here.

Daughter - These are all too small!

Pelican Joe - Let's look at the sizes and get the biggest one. We can always return it if your LL Bean backpack is bigger.

Daughter - These are all ugly.

Pelican Joe - We have another criteria? It has to be big and good looking?

Daughter - Well, Duh!

Pelican Joe - Okay, are there any backpacks that you find nice looking?

Daughter - No.

Pelican Joe - There are more in the back of the store.

Daughter - None of these look good.

So, I looked at sizes 19.5 inch by 17 inch seemed to be the biggest (but did not fit the appearance factor). Most of the bags were between 19 x 17 inches and 15 x 13 inches.

Pelican Joe - (Noticing that she is looking at a backpack) So, what size is that?

Daughter - I don't know.

Pelican Joe - Will all of your books fit into that? (looking at the tag I noticed that was 19 x17 inches. One of the bigger backpacks at this store.)

Daughter - I don't know.

Pelican Joe - Why don't we buy this one and we can always return it if the LL Bean one is bigger.

Daughter - Okay.

So, we ended up purchasing the backpack. Later I asked her the size of the LL Bean backpack. She told me it was smaller.

I guess what I learned from the experience was that if you can discern the criteria and establish metrics that allow you to objectively limit the selection, then the subjective part (Look and Feel) gets easier.

I know! Now that I have this written down, the above formula will never work again! After all, as she reminds me, she is a teen-ager! Which is hard for a person who graduated with a degree in Decision Theory to handle!

Till next time ranters!

Failed!

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better. "
Samuel Beckett

Well, I tried the Jenny post and don't think it is for me. I am not saying anything about anyone else (so, relax Tom! your comment yesterday was longer than my whole post!). I know my wife will continue, but it is not for me.

With that said, if you can give me guidance on other meme out there, I would like to see other options. It would be great to find something I could give my unique spin.

Till next time ranters!