Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Truth about the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus!

Hi Ho Ranters!

Easter Bunny and Santa Claus spoiler alert!!! DO NOT READ ON IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH!

Today, I’m going to tell you a story that, well, I’m not too proud of. My son is going into middle school (no! That is NOT what I’m not too proud of), and my wife wanted to make sure that we utterly crushed his belief in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. They had a long car ride and she said she would break the news then (keeping my unique, yet blunt talents of breaking news out of the picture).

I get home from a long day at work. We are sitting down to eat dinner and I find out that she has not had the “talk” with our son. And she starts to broche the subject at the table. She tries (quite eloquently) to tie the religious aspect of the Easter Bunny and Saint Nick to manifest through us. But, as I saw, this approach was not working. I took control of the conversation and said…

Son, what your mother is trying to tell you, is that the Easter Bunny – pregnant pause -- was killed in 1946 by Farmer McGreggor’s car. What we now know as the Easter Bunny is actually a malicious spirit that poops candied eggs in everyone’s yard every Easter when his spirit materializes in our world for one day. To try to hide this fact, your mother and I give you presents and say it is from the Easter Bunny.

Well, I’ll tell you Ranters, in my opinion, he took the news quite well. Then, I took on the next subject. Yes, the big guy himself! …And, yes, I will probably go to Hell for this. So, going off my past success, I told him…

Son, now let’s discuss Santa Claus. I said, Santa was a great man that gave toys to children all around the world! One Christmas in 1961, Santa went down the wrong chimney. He found himself confronted by a group of Hippie War Protesters, high on LSD. Santa did his best to defend himself, but alas, he was out numbered. That was the last we saw of Santa Claus and the last Christmas Santa personally delivered toys to children. In this void and to take up Santa’s original charge, parents, around the world, started pretending that they were Santa Claus. They dressed like him; Put imitators in department stores; And formed the Secret Santa Alliance. All participating parents had to sign legal documents around how to perpetuate Santa’s memory throughout the ages. This, of course, was the Santa Clause. Well, we had to swear a vow of silence as you now have too so the memory of Santa Claus will still live in others (even though, we just killed it in you!).

I looked to my son. Big crocodile tears traversing his face, I realized, maybe I wasn’t so successful with that story!

Let me tell you Ranters, I didn’t even bring up the subject of how the tooth fairy was actually an alliance of dental hygienists who misappropriated funds from the dentist that they worked for. In their shame, they gave portions of that money to the children who lost teeth.


Till Next Time Ranters!


  1. *Fingers in ears shouting la la la la la la*

  2. Hmmm... I'm kind of crushed here. I think the pedestal I placed you on because of Polly's rhapsodized romantic ramblings about you might have crumbled just a bit.

  3. I, for one, LOVE IT!!!

    *By "LOVE IT," I don't mean that I would actually share these stories with my children...but will definitely share them with my husband!!!

  4. Your story is remarkably similar to your wife's version.